Friday, July 20, 2007

Potter Predictions

This is from an e-mail that bounced around between a few friends. if I'm going to make wild-ass predictions on kiddie books, I may as well do it on teh intarwebs so more people can point and laugh.

> On 7/16/07, J**** P**** wrote:
>So, now's the time to share your 'crazy' harry potter predictions.
> Please give your best guesses to the these questions, and feel free to add
>your own.

ok, in just before the buzzer and I haven't been reading a BitTorrent
copy of the book either...

1) Is Albus Dumbledore alive?
Nope, he dead. Real dead. He'll have an important cameo in book 7 though.

2) Is Snape good or evil? Or maybe better phrasing, will he end up
willingly helping Harry?
Good. He'll be helping Harry, but it won't be obvious he's
doing so most of the time.

3) Why did Dumbledore trust Snape so implicitly?
Dumbledore often trusted not so trustworthy characters, and
was usually right. Dumbledore also knew the full story on Snape, we
don't know that yet.

4) Who will die?
Hagrid. Hagrid getting it gives the maximum boo-hoo factor
with the least chance of trainwrecking the plot. Snape is also a prime
candidate. If he's good, we get a noble sacrifice. Bad, and we get the
satisfaction of seeing the most obnoxious character(including
Umbridge!) get it. I'm worried one or more of the Weasleys might get
whacked. That family's too large and is in too many dangerous
professions to make it through an all out wizard war with no
casualties. Charlie, Percy or one of the 'rents are likely candidates.
Mundungus, Trelawney and Slughorn need to make sure their insurance
premiums are paid as well.

I don't really want to see anyone under 18 get bumped off. Well, if
Colin Creevy gets it trying to take a picture of Voldemort, I won't be
too mad. Any of the big 6 would be upsetting unless it was handled
perfectly. For example, if Neville dies I will be pissed. UNLESS in
the process he takes out a dozen death eaters, bites the head off of
Nagini and blows off Voldemort's pinky toe with a curse in a fierce
battle that buys Harry enough time to win the day.

JK has been very judicious with killing off major characters so far.
Even though the hype machine has me thinking this book will be a
bloodbath, I'm starting to think there won't be the high body count I

5) Will Harry live through the end of book 7?
Yes. To echo Josh's sentiments, JK Rowling did not go into
this planning a 5000 page rewrite of Tess of the D'Urbervilles. Now,
he may very well end up horribly maimed... Wouldn't it be a hoot if
during the final showdown with Voldy, he ends up losing his powers
somehow and ends up a squib? Time Warner has two more movies to put
out and best way to end up with Gigli-type opening week numbers is to
kill off Harry in this book.

6) Will Ginny live? (and will she and Harry get back together in the book?)
Yeah. Ginny's too tough. She could get it just to wrench
Harry's torture levels that much more, but seriously, how much more
motivation to kill Voldy does the boy need. Besides, I heard on Ain't
it Cool that Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer are already in a
bidding war for the spinoff rights to GINNY WEASLEY: ONE BAD BITCH OF
A WITCH coming Summer '09

(in my best Amazing Criswell impersonation) I PREDICT:

Nasty Bad Things happen on Harry's birthday. Ron had it easy on his
birthday in book 6.

We will hate Snape's guts for about 25 to 30 chapters or so.

Neville Longbottom will be the doer of Great Things, Ginny Weasley
will be the Kicker of Asses, Luna Lovegood will be the Comedic Relief.

Draco Malfoy will turn to the good side, help Harry in a time of need
and will ultimately give up magic and settle down with a nice goth
eurotrash chick from SoHo.

Sirius Black will show up unexpectedly, but he's still dead, dead, dead.

At least one student bites the dust, but it's going to be someone like
Michael Evans that we don't really care about.

Even though the stated plot of this book is "Chase the Horcruxes" a
goodly chunk of the book will be in Hogwarts, including at least one

There will be more than one marriage in this book. I'm not talking
about the epilogue either.

Petunia Dursley's backstory: She was Severus Snape's girlfriend, but
he was only using her to get to Lily. She got dumped like a box of hot
rocks after Lily died and that is why Petunia hates magic so badly. It
didn't help matters that Snape had very good wand work, nudge nudge.

Kreatcher is going to be a useful pain in the ass. Dobby will be
usefuller and even more of a pain in the ass. Fawkes will be the
usefullerest and will not be a pain in the ass at all.

Aberforth Dumbledore will do much much more than charm goats. That can
wait for the wrap up party.

Wormtail will not so much 'repay his debt' as 'screw something up' horrifically.

I have no idea what non-magical character will suddenly do magic late
in life especially since JK specifically stated it's not Petunia or
Filch. I shall therefore go out on a limb and say with authority that
it will in fact be Sir Cliff Richard.

The biggest "Yeeessssss!!!1" moment in the book will be the scene with
Dolores Umbridge. Gred and Forge will be tangentially involved.

Biggest Thorns in Harry's Kiester in increasing order of ouchiness:

5. Muggle interference
4. Dementors, Giants, Inferi and other assorted bogeymen
3. Voldemort's boobytraps
2. Rufus Scrimgeour
1. Tom Marvolo Riddle

Who Harry will obsess over throughout the whole book anyway:
Who else?? (hint: he's not in the previous list ^)

Voldemort will ultimately come to regret using Harry's blood to
resurrect himself.

I will be almost completely wrong.