Friday, December 31, 2004

Just one more bit of Xmas Cheer and then I swear I'll go back to bitching about the government

There are good holiday songs, hideous holiday songs, and unintelligable holiday songs.

But it's quite rare when an avowed atheist writes thoughtful reviews of holiday songs.

Monday, December 27, 2004

More Xmas Cheer

No, I don't care that Christmas was two days ago. This is too good to pass up and besides, this is one of the Mystery Days for all you know, smartypants.

Only the stout of heart and strong of will should click on Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey.

If the atrocious animated gifs don't get ya, and you're not done in by the annoying Java scripts, the hideous Wav on a Loop will surely tip you over the brink of Madness.

(Thanks to Reader Greg for passing on this particular bit of awfulness. Good Jeeorb Greg!)

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Laziness for Laziness' sake

It's late, I'm at work, I'm not getting out of here any time soon and I'm not in the mood to write anything pithy or snarky or whatever or to even make this post coherent. Instead, you get a bunch of random links. No cheating and looking at the url! Just clicky clicky with reckless abandon!!!!

Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link Link


CLICKY DAMN YOU CLIIIIIIIIIICKKKKKK

Monday, December 20, 2004

Five links I have no idea what to do with, but are too good to pass up

Submitted for your approval...

Every Frank Zappa reference EVAR in MST3k.

DeBeers ads that are even too cynical for MY taste.

German Toilets. Probably best you just skip this one...

Interactive Dali. Not necessarily stoned... but beautiful.

And finally, webcomics TOO AWFUL to actually be on the web.

Yet even more Xmas Cheer, now with 72% more Cheer

To make up for my more recent atrocious Xmas posts, I give you All the Beatles' Christmas Fan Club Records, lovingly rendered in MP3.

And you can't really blame me for the holiday misery I've been peddling, cynical Christmas mockery has been going on since at least 1927.

Friday, December 17, 2004

More Xmas Horror and Ennui

Since you'd never settle for the lesser Evil, why settle for the lesser Holiday song?

Have yourself a Very Scary Solstice instead!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I really shouldn't keep calling this stuff Xmas Cheer.

Xmas Tide perhaps? Ooops! No time for bad puns now because Ding! Fries are done!

Now with Sooper Funquey MP3 remix!

Oh, and if you ever wanted to see cartoon characters without their clothes on (or skin and tissue for that matter) then click here you sick little monkey and/or toon medical student.

More Ominous Signs...

that our society is in serious trouble. Evidence is mounting that our country is filling up with some seriously pissed off grannies.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

More Xmas Ch- well, actually this is pretty effing horrible

Only the British, and I mean ONLY the British could come up with something this dreadful for Christmas. Of course if you are a twisted bastard with an affinity for evil Xmas songs, especially of the "12 days" variety then this is a little slice of flash heaven.

I wouldn't click on this if you were at work, unless you work for Durex.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

More Xmas cheer

Courtesy of the SA Goons.

In other news, these guys are copying these guys and playing non stop Christmas music, mostly bad.

This guy is still the only one I've heard that is playing the good stuff.

Thankfully I haven't heard the Worst Christmas Song Ever yet. Know what it is? Here's a hint...

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Today's song to play endlessly on repeat: Two for one special!

In honor of my very first commenter, I offer you not one, but TWO songs to annoy the neighbors with!

Suicidal Tendancies: Institutionalized

with special Bonus track...

The Ramones: I Wanna be Sedated

Monday, November 29, 2004

So you think I'm too pessimistic?

The Optimist's club in Quakertown Pennsylvania just folded due to lack of interest.

...


...



...



BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111ONE

Nothing good can come of this...

The Supreme Court is going to review Ashcroft v. Raich, a medical marijuana case.

If the SCOTUS rules for Ashcroft, the right wing nutjobs will have something new to be sore winners about and can will sleep better at night knowing that no one is allowed to smoke the Devil Weed that makes the Baby Jeebus cry.

If they rule for Raich, we get months and months of the assclowns screeching about 'Activist Judges' and trying their damnedest to shred the Constitution in order to ensure that no one is participating in an activity that might possibly upset the 97-year old lady who always sits in the front row pew so she can glare at the preacher in case he gets out of line.

Good thing I never touch that stuff. But I'm gonna need a good stiff drink to get though this...



Saturday, November 27, 2004

Science Shenanigans

Just when you think the world has gotten surreal enough, scientists are actually having to debate whether it is ethical to create human/animal chimera freaky sci-fi monster thingys. How boring. Wake me up when they start working on veggies.


To paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke's statement

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."

Or, as is the case in America today...

Any significantly geeky persuit will be indistinguishable from terrorism by cops.

In case you missed the first Holy Grilled Cheese on eBay...

There's a new improved version up for sale! With lottery numbers, yet! 19-20-21-16-9-4. Hmmm... this means something...

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Too good not to post

Submitted for your approval... Sinfest.

A post! At last!

Sorry, I'm just not very talky (typy?) this week. It's not fun anymore to rage against GOP shenanigans since damn near EVERYTHING THEY'VE DONE the past 3 weeks has been shenanigans. George "no-fly zone" Bush, Frickin Delay, Specter witch hunt, fundies gone wild, bla bla bla... it's all getting ridiculous. I have outrage overload. Even ESPN is taunting me.

Well screw 'em all!!! Ya can't bring me down! The Falcons are 8-2, Topps 2005 is live and I get to eat several turkeys tomorrow! All is right with the world and nothing can possibly go wrong!

Friday, November 19, 2004

Last post for the weekend

'cuz I'm busy. Deal with it. I will leave you with the happy news that assclown Ted Rall got dropped from yet another paper for being, well, an assclown.

If for some reason there is a reader (if there is a reader at all, to be honest) whose daily feeling of worth and well being is dependant on me posting every day then you're in for a long weekend. To help pass the time, try the following exersize:

Listen to Rush's 2112 for 24 straight hours.
Then listen to Frank Zappa's Joe's Garage for 24 straight hours.
Now - without sleeping, mind you - Write a 10,000 word essay hypothesizing why, when faced with a facist totalitarian regime, Rock musicians are most concerned that the mean ol' Priest will take their Guitar away from them .

Consuming large quantities of alcohol is recommended, but not required.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

neat neat neat

Brit fundies (they apparently managed to miss a few when they tried to ship them all off to America) are suffering from Twisted Knicker Syndrome after learning that The Damned have been invited to turn on the annual Christmas lights in Cambridge. Apparently, it is inappropriate for a punk band that was somewhat controversial in the late 70's to flip a switch and turn on gaudy lights to let the proles know that it's time to reenact the Holy Baby Shower by maxing out all their credit cards at retail outlets. Captain Sensible has the best take on the situation:
"They could have booked Cliff Richard. How boring would that have been?"
In case you're not really sure which side you're on viz-a-viz The Damned, you can go here and figure it out.

Apparently I'm off to Valhalla. w00t!

Valhalla
Are You Damned?
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey


Yaaaay! The Cold war's back!

"I see your missle defense system and raise you some slick new cruise nukes!"

The only problem with this new high stakes poker craze is that now everybody wants to play.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know

Powell quit and Condi got the job. Big deal, all it means is that the Peter Principle no longer applies in the Bush administration. Quite frankly I'm far more concerned that three bay leaves went in my marinara and only two have come out. I mean, I'm sure she'll do just as good a gob as Secretary of State as she did as National Security Advisor.

Just turn the damn thing off already

Seriously. If you think the flashy shiny images on the Tee-vee are going to upset little baby Jesus, then TURN THE DAMNABLE THING OFF. It is really not necessary to whine and bitch and moan and complain about the fact that advertisers have figured out looooooooooooong ago that sex sells because they're gonna keep sellin it to you as long as you live. In fact, the bluenose whackjobs that are screeching about this has just given ABC millions of dollars of free advertising for this crap. But no, the teevee police aren't interested in eliminating lacivious filth from our screens, they just want everybody to know that they are out there and they can control whatever you watch as long as they yell loud enough about it. Thankfully, Our Gracious Senate is working right now on legislation that will protect consumers from annoying things like TiVo and fair use. Better turn that thing off while you still can....

Today's song to play on repeat if you are still confused about the title of this blog

Sex Pistols: God Save the Queen

We mean it man...

No, I don't know what the hell that means either

So don't ask.

Thought for the day

Your memories are only reality to you. To everyone else in the world they are complete fiction.

Islam the new Buddhism?

Or perhaps not. There's a small difference between lighting yourself on fire and burning to death in protest of religious persecution and waltzing up to the White House, setting your pants on fire and screaming in pain until the Secret Service puts out the blaze. Of course I'm not being very fair here, the guy could have just been a big Rage fan. I'm just sick and damn tired of being reminded of Vietnam every five minutes just so the damn Boomers can relive their glory days.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

RIP: ODB, CIA. WTF?

Looks like Big Baby Jesus will bless us no more.

Not quite as dead, but certainly coughing up blood, the New, Improved GOPCIA (tm) isn't even trying to act like it's serious anymore and is purging agents who are seen as 'disloyal' to president Bush (read: won't gladly toss W's salad without having to be asked) or are suspected of leaking damaging information to the press (read: anyone in media relations who has reported factual information in the past 3 years) or are a liberal Democrat. Real quote from the article, I shit you not:

The CIA is looked on by the White House as a hotbed of liberals and people who have been obstructing the president's agenda."

Not surprising really, this kind of crap is par for the course for this amok administration. At least it's not like the CIA have anything they really desperately need to do right now anyway.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

First Cat, now Bob

Well, a Bob cover band at least...

BOULDER, Colo., Nov. 12, 2004 — Parents and students say they are outraged and offended by a proposed band name and song scheduled for a high school talent show in Boulder this evening, but members of the band, named Coalition of the Willing, said the whole thing is being blown out of proportion.

The students told ABC News affiliate KMGH-TV in Denver they are performing Bob Dylan's song "Masters of War" during the Boulder High School Talent Exposé because they are Dylan fans. They said they want to express their views and show off their musical abilities.

But some students and adults who heard the band rehearse called a radio talk show Thursday morning, saying the song the band sang ended with a call for President Bush to die.

Threatening the president is a federal crime, so the Secret Service was called to the school to investigate.
Once again, the world is safe from Folk Music! Ok, fine I understand how its the Secret Service's job to protect the president and they have to investigate every allegation seriously because bla ba blablabla. Fine. Investigate. I just find it telling that the allegation came from calls to a radio talk show. I can see it now. Right wing tightass listening to talent show: "Who are these rock hooligans? Why do they have to play such loud music? What's wrong with a nice polka or waltz? What is their name... Coalition of the willing??? Why... they are making fun of Dear Leader's Grand Plan (c)!!! Grrrr.... what is this insolent song they are singing.... *GASP* Whatwhatwhaaaaaat??? OMG they wants to murder our Lord, erm, President!!! (hits speed dial on the cell phone) RUSH! Ruuuuush!!! DO something! Teenaged hoodlums are going to hitchhike to Washington and force W to ride a Segway while eating pretzels and then play horrible ROCK music at him until he goes up to Jesus!"

Jeez. If you're gonna get hassled by the SS at least play some Sabbath.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

A partisan political hack is appointed head of the CIA and now the entire agency is in complete disarray?

Nooooooooo........

Can't be! We're all safer now that the man who caused September 11th has been defeated! Right? It's not like we needed a functional CIA for anything anyway.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Finally a post that isn't just an exercise in moderately humorous ironic linkage

This just in: Bill Frist urges the Democrats to stop filibustering.


"One way or another, the filibuster of judicial nominees must end," Frist, R-Tenn., said in a speech to the Federalist Society, a conservative legal group.

(snip)

Frist said filibustering judicial nominees is "radical. It is dangerous and it must be overcome. The Senate must be allowed to confirm judges who fairly, justly and independently interpret the law."

"The Senate cannot allow the filibuster of circuit court nominees to continue." Frist said. "Nor can we allow the filibuster to extend to potential Supreme Court nominees."


In other news, Coke asked Pepsi to kindly stop producing sweet cola-based soda products, cobras helpfully advised the mongoose population that a vegetarian diet would be healthier in the long run, and Satan thoughtfully suggested that God take a nice vacation in the Bahamas to relax and get His mind off things and that he would watch the shop for Him in the interim.

Memo to Bill Frist: YOU ARE THE FRICKIN' RULING PARTY. You have the White House, BOTH houses of Congress, most of the Courts, and the supposed media watchdog is more like a lapdog lately. QUIT WHINING THAT THE DEMOCRATS ARE BEING MEAN TO YOU. You see, sir, a filibuster is one of those quaint little quirks of American Government called 'checks and balances'. This means that there are certain safeguards in place, that prevent one branch of government, or one party in a branch of government from steamrolling all over the other branches and parties. Ya know what? I agree. It's annoying when every single court appointee gets blocked. It's not nice when your appointees get excoriated in long drawn out confirmation hearings like Robert Bork or Clarence Thomas. My high school AP Government teacher Dr. Smith ( no, not THAT one) once said in class that I looked like Robert Bork. I know how hurtful that is. But here's a suggestion for ya... Maybe, just maybe you should try nominating a justice THAT ISN'T A COMPLETE RIGHT WING BIBLE THUMPING MAKES BOB JONES LOOK LIKE NOAM CHOMSKY ACTIVIST NUTJOB. Maybe... just maaaybe, if you I dunno... COMPROMISE and nominate a judge that will do their friggin JOB and interpret the law in relation to the CONSTITUTION and is not appointed to specifically ban Roe v. Wade or make sure that there's none of that gay buttsex going on while good God-fearin' Americans are going to church and buying guns, and hell, just MAYBE you might be able to get one of these nominations through without a senate catfight!

Now lets go back to that word compromise. Let's say it together. Com. Pro. Mise. Very good! That means two opposing parties working together to reach a solution that is acceptable to both parties. You remember the founding fathers? You know, American revolution and constitutional conventions and such? They were all great buddies, right? WRONG. They all f*cking hated each other with the blazing fury of a thousand suns. Everybody hated Adams who hated Franklin who hated Jay who hated Jefferson who hated Hamilton who hated Burr who hated everybody while Washington tried to stay above the whole stinking mess. The constitutional convention was a giant mess of dissenting ideas and opinions but they somehow manged to work together and cobble together a document that has worked pretty good so far. (crosses fingers as PATRIOT 3 or 4 or whatever version it's on gets pushed through)

Now as for the idea of eliminating the filibuster altogether. That's a damn fine idea, assuming you are confident in holding the senate FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. Because I guarantee you, if the Democrats by some fluke of fate manage to take back the Senate in a few years you will be VERY HAPPY that fillibustering is still around. Because, God forbid, if Jesus goes on holiday and forgets to tell everyone who to vote for or if the midwest just goes GAY all of a sudden and the Democrats take over and you don't have a filibuster to block THEIR nominees you can bet your sweet firm chewable ass (good Lord! is the red state gayness wave starting in Georgia???) that they will be nominating every left wing gay marrying abortion forcing welfare giving gun restricting Osama policing corporate tax givaway halting justice this side of Taxachusetts to the Supreme court ESPECIALLY if you succeeded in stacking the court with creationists and YOU sir will be powerless to stop the heathenization of our great land and that wouldn't be very nice would it??? Now of course, if you ARE confident in holding the senate for eternity, or have plans in the works to abolish parties and elections altogether, kindly let me know so I can change the name of this blog to "I love George W. Bush, our wonderful leader" (and 'we love our shrub' is NOT ironic, dammit, we mean it, man) because quite frankly I'm not all that interested in sipping victory gin at the Chestnut Tree Cafe whilst twitching from crimestop because The Daily Show is on the telly.

Ya got all that, Billy boy? Ya do??? Well kindly tell me what it means, cause I sure as hell don't know.

What I'm reading right now (as if you really cared)

Yup, I'm reading it right now. As I type. On chapter 14, actually. Reading and tpying at the saame time. Which is damned difficult.

Kurt Vonnegut: Galapagos

Happy Birthday Kurt, by the way...


Jesus speaks through the Republicans

Ya can't make this stuff up, folks.

I hope the election of George W. Bush is seen as a wake-up call to all the liberal Democrats who oppose God's will.

It is His doing that George W. Bush is still our president. Millions of born-again Christians helped win this election through our prayers and votes. Jesus speaks through the Republicans.

The Democrats will not be able to win elections until they renounce their sinful ways and stop encouraging abortions, gayness, and trying to take away our guns.

Earl Balboa

Washington Township


Earl's right, ya know...

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

w00t

Bobby Cox: 2004 NL Manager of the Year.

Next Stop: Hall of Fame.

By the way, anyone still lobbying the Braves to fire the best manager the franchise has ever had because they 'only' have one World Series title is confirming to the world that they are a complete idiot.

Oh dear God no...

It may be just me, although I sincerely doubt it, but if I have to endure another Bush vs. Kerry race in 2008 I will very likely go mad.....

Why Bush Won, part deux

This pretty much sums it up.

Wheeeee! I'm back.

How slack am I. I haven't been bloggin for even a week and I take time off because I'm physically ill. In my defense, I'm beginning to think I did not catch so much as a cold or the flu, but a whole gang of colds jumped me all at once and decided to reenact the opening scene of Clockwork Orange with me as the orange.
Well I don't want to disappoint my massive audience, so expect loads of cutting commentary very soon to make up for lost time.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

Today's song the little gremlins in my head are playing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and ovar and

Stiff Little Fingers: Suspect Device

Aaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhhhh

Peach 94.9 has started their annual "play christmas music 24-7 until elves fly out of your ass and start whacking you with candy canes" programming shift. And when the fcuk did they become "Lite FM"??? They're Peach, goddammit, it's even in their damn Web Address. No more of these newfangled names on radio stations it's fscking Peach 95 and Z-93 (steal my name stupid mumble grrr) and Warm 100 and bloody 94Q and Fox 97 and um, 96, um Rock... and it's 1987 and I'm still buying LP's at Turtles and nothing has changed and I can't hear you LALALALALALALALALALA

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not a complete ghoul. I actually like xmas music and I realize that the unwashed masses need a little jingle bells and falala in their lives to distract themselves from the inevitable economic collapse and decent into totalitarianism that this country faces in the next few years. All I ask is that they occasionally play some good Christmas music for a change.

Friday, November 05, 2004

It's not all bad.

At least the redneckification of america has given us a way to listen to brooding angsty pop music while still keeping those testosterone levels up so you can fight Osama Bin Laden to the death when you bump into him in the hardware aisle at Wal-Mart.

Submitted for your approval... Rodeohead.

Today's song Karl Rove can play on repeat until Karen Hughes snaps and strangles him with her freakish Man Hands

Television: See No Evil

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Attention Zoo Visitors

Please do not taunt the dynamite monkey....
He's got the Bush mandate you know.
Google bomb go...
Boom!

Why Bush Won

This pretty much sums it up.

Today's song to play on repeat until someone goes insane and beats you over the head with a croquet mallet

Dead Kennedys: California Über Alles
(Thanx to Steve at 99x for playing this during the RetroPlex today on my drive to work)

How does this damn thing work

Woooo. I gots a new toy. Now I can post nonsense and act all important while having absolutely no real impact on the world at all. Isn't that special.