Saturday, December 31, 2005

Goodbye 2005

And good bloody riddance.
Here's to the new year being mostly entirely unlike the old one.
If not, at least we can all toast 2007 up in heaven with Patton Oswalt... "We died in fuckin ARMAGEDDON!!!1"

However, the year is too young to get cynical (that can wait until I wake up with a hangover at least. Here's to 2006, may the Braves get past the first round, the Falcons get 9 wins, The Hawks also get 9 wins (let's not go crazy) and all that personal stuff that I'm not stupid enough to post in a blog go right.


(ya rly)

Monday, December 19, 2005

Todd Heap

needs 1 catch for 3 yards for my fantasy team to go to the league championship game. I am down by .22 points in our playoffs and if I had started L.J. Smith and his 2 tackles I'd be sitting pretty right now. I haven't seen my opponent all day so if Todd gets Kerriganed before the game you'll know why. He can't possibly get shut out tonight, can he?

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Friday, November 25, 2005

Doing my part

To destroy the Global Economy. Of course it could be that I'm just too lazy to leave the house.

/why do I hate America?

Friday, November 18, 2005


This crap is why I am never voting Republican again.

Thank you for ruining my country.


Woo I supports the troops! Unlike those DEMONCRAPS! Hyuk!

Monday, October 31, 2005

This Painting, Not So Much...

It's too Skeery!

But not as skeery as this Doll. Or this Box. Or this trashy Pop Culture site. Actually the site is pretty damn cool. Boobies aren't skeery! If you want skeery, go read some ghost stories. Unless you think it's all a load of rubbish.

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I Like this Painting

This one right here.

Not to be confused with this one. Although that one's pretty good too.

Yes, sir. I like it.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Missed it by that much....

I guess Creswell didn't see that trainwreck of a Bullpen coming.

However, since I managed to pick every single game as absolutely completely wrong as I possibly could, I would like to offer up the following predictions for the rest of the Falcons' season:

10/16 Falcons at Saints: Vick is held out of the game due to his kneee injury and becomes increasingly annoyed with coach Mora. Ty Detmer has to start the game after Matt Shaub arrives to the game 45 minutes late after getting lost in the basement while touring the Alamo. Aaron Brooks throws for 497 yards, 5 touchdowns and no turnovers, prompting thousands of fantasy football players to pick him up and start him next week. Heh, suckers. Saints 42 Falcons 13

10/24 Jets at Falcons: Vick complains to the media about being held out the previous week, Mora deactivates him out of spite. Arthur Blank is happy because now he can push Vick around in a wheelchair for another week. Matt Shaub, determined not to be late for another game, shows up at the stadium at 7am on Sunday. Sadly, he forgets this is a Monday night game and ends up leaving at 3pm on Monday, furious that the rest of the team, the other team, all support staff and 65000 fans couldn't be bothered to show up. Vinnie Testeverde leads the Jets to an opening touchdown drive where he scores on a 1-yd touchdown run. Inspired, Ty Detmer tries a bootleg on the first play of the Falcons' opening possession and gets crushed by John Abraham. TJ Duckett ends up as QB for the rest of the game. After a Duckett interception in the redzone with less than two minutes to play in the game, Vick mouths off to Mora and they get into a slap fight on the sideline. Rod Coleman lost for the season when he tears an abdominal muscle from laughing too hard. Jets 23 Falcons 17

11/6 Falcons at Dolphins: Vick, still upset at Mora, visits Ricky Williams before the game. Vick is much more relaxed after the meeting and refuses to be activated for the game, insisting that Mora was right all along. Matt Shaub is able to start the game after being handcuffed to Coach Knapp when he was seen sauntering vaguely toward south beach earlier in the week. Unfortunately the keys to the cuffs could not be found and Knapp has to play center throughout the game. The Falcons' running game is shut down as Dunn keeps getting clotheslined by Knapp trying to go up the middle. The difference in the game is a 72 yard touchdown reception by Chambers caused by Jason Webster tripping over Vick, who is meditating in the lotus position on the sideline. The Dolphins' offices are found vandalized after the game with 'I will have my revenge 2010' smeared in chum on the wall. Dolphins 10 Falcons 6

more to come...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Pads are done, Boston got a nice swift kick in the ass and the Halos need to start scoring runs.

As for all the talking heads picking the Astros, Pettite, Oswalt and Clemens are nasty, but other than Berkman and Ensberg, what's there to be afraid of in that lineup? Yeah, I don't want to see Lidge come in with a lead, but they have to get the lead first. Granted, you can throw out the 5-1 record the Braves have over the 'Stros since we haven't played them since Mother's day. Hell, back then Jorge Sosa was a long reliever and 1/4th of the playoff roster was playing in Mississippi (or NC State(!) seriously, Bobby, Devine over Davies? what are you thinking?). But then again, who would you rather have on your roster? Raul Mondesi or Jeff Francouer? Brian McCann or Eddie Perez? Dan Kolb, or hell anybody, Farnsworth, McBride, Devine, my grandmother... Sorry, Astros fans and ESPN talking heads looking for the easy story, Houston's not beating the Braves.

Game 1: Braves 3 Astros 1 Hudson pitches 7, Houston steals a run off the bullpen.
Game 2: Astros 1 Braves 0 Clemens and Lidge steal a tight one, Smoltz pitches 6 shutout innings.
Game 3: Braves 9 Astros 4 Sosa pitches well enough to win as the bats wake up against Oswalt. Druw hits a Bomb, Frenchy hits another.
Game 4: Braves 5 Astros 3 Farnsworth shuts the door as Furcal and Giles spark a 4 run inning in the 7th to take the game and the series.

oh, PS Don Waddell...


/go Thrash

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

14 Straight

One celebration down, Three more to come this year...

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Dany Heatley

Was traded to the Ottawa Senators for winger Marian Hossa and defenseman Greg de Vries today. Overall it was a pretty good trade for both teams. The Thrash get a legit scorer who can be counted on for 35 goals and 70 points in Hossa and de Vries is a badly needed veteran blue liner. Ottawa is getting a potential hall-of-fame candidate and playoff monster in Heatley, whose potential is absolutely huge.

Heatly wanted out of Atlanta, and I can't blame him. Number 15 was my favorite Thrasher from the moment we drafted him, when the Islanders picked that goalie first overall instead of Heater I was beside myself with joy. He was the shining star of the franchise and, hell, even the league in his first couple of years in the NHL, winning the Calder Trophy and the All-Star Game MVP. Then everything completely derailed when he was in an accident coming home from a team function with friend and teammate Dan Snyder. A few days later on October 5th, Dan died from his injuries. I remember the date well, because I lost my grandfather that day as well.

That was one of the lousiest days I've ever had, I visited him that morning at the nursing home pretty much knowing that there wasn't much time left. I left the hospital and tried to act normally, got some lunch, went to the outlets to buy some jeans and eventually went home to watch game 5 of the playoff series between the Braves and Cubs. A half hour before the game started I got the call. I knew then for a fact that the Braves would lose game 5 and the series, he was a bigger Braves fan than I was and he wouldn't have checked out early if they were going to win. I watched the game anyway and suffered through the eventual outcome. I was sad but relatively ok, and I decided to surf the web after the game, check some scores, catch up on Fark, that sort of thing. The very first headline I saw when I got online was for Dan Snyder's death which was a nice final punch in the guts for the day. My grandfather was gone, the Braves had blown it again and now my favorite player had a wrecked knee and a homicide charge looming. Needless to say October 5th is not one of my favorite days.

Thanks to Atlanta's excellent prosecutors (sarcasm tag ON)charges were finally pressed several months after the fact at the protest of pretty much all parties involved. I'm not saying that no charges should have been filed, but why do it months later when he's finally rehabilitated from his injuries and trying to play again? Instead of right after the accident? When the family of the deceased is publicly supporting him? The legal troubles paralelled the hockey troubles. The hurt knee could still be a lingering problem. The lockout wiped out almost a year of his service time since the games missed the year before were held against him for the lockout year's counted service time. While playing in Europe, he suffered another career threatening injury when an errant puck shattered the orbital bone in his left eye. The past couple of years in Atlanta have totally sucked ass for Dany and I don't blame him one bit for wanting to get out of here and just start over. On August 9th, Dany Heatley asked Thrashers GM Don Waddell to trade him. Today he was traded to the Senators.

I've lost a bunch of favorite players from my favorite teams:
Phil Niekro signed with the Yankees and I didn't cry.
Bob Horner left to play in Japan and I didn't cry.
Gerald Riggs goes to the Redskins and I didn't cry.
Dale Murphy gets traded to the Phillies and I didn't cry.
Dominique Wilkins gets traded to the Clippers (the Clippers!?!) and I didn't cry.
Jamal Anderson blows out his knee. Twice. I didn't cry.
Tom Glavine stabs us in the back. No cry. Lots of cussing though.
Hell, the entire Flames TEAM gets uncerimoniously shipped off to Calgary and I didn't cry.

Dany Heatly was traded to Ottawa today.

I'm still crying.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

No Wonder the Catholic Church

is having so many problems.

The fsckin' Wachowskis are producing!

Sadly, it appears they are screwing up this as well...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


32 down, 27 to go...

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

DOS Games!!! yehaw

Assuming it hasn't been farked to oblivion, here is a link to a whole messload of DOS games.

If it is farked to oblivion, check out the Fark thread for a bunch of other links that are probably likewise wiped out by the teeming mass of farkers.

If all else fails, you can at least play some Notepad Invaders.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Hockey Tough Love

If you weren't aware, (not many are) the NHL got their act together and finally hammered out a Collective Bargaining Agreement to finally end the lockout after last season got flushed down the toilet by greedy corporate asshats.

Since the league is back in business, they now have to figure out how to lure back all the fans that they drove off last year squabbling over money. Now that the corporate sponsors have bailed and the TV contract has vanished so ESPN can air more important things, the fans are pretty much the only revenue source left. So in the interests of cost certainty, the league is certain to pull out all the stops to try to get the fans back. The last league to fark up this badly managed to get the fans back with some longballs and juiced up scoring. Since juicing up the players is not really an option anymore, the NHL is instituting some new rules to try to up the scoring, including: eliminating the red line to increase the number of home-run breakaway passes, shrinking the increasingly ridiculous goalie equipment, reinstating the tag up rule for offsides, discouraging icing and finally enforcing the interference rules (I'll believe it when I see it) to open up the ice for the skilled skaters. Add to this the draft lottery that gave the Penguins Mario Jr. or Gretkzy II (or Baby Lindros if Pittsburgh's recent luck holds), today's entry draft and the upcoming free-for-all free agent period this offseason and you have some interesting things to look forward to.

Still, the powers that be are interested to gauge just how much money they stand to lose from last winter's foolishness and have contracted a survey to find out the gory details. I took the survey, and thought my faithful readers might be interested in a couple of my answers.

Why do you say that your overall interest level in the NHL has decreased significantly since the beginning of the NHL work stoppage?

My interest has decreased in the NHL because there was absolutely no reason for the season to be cancelled. The Owners and Union had actually agreed on a cap (supposedly the big sticking point) before the drop-dead date, and all the two sides had to do was split the difference at the end, and voila, we have a season (and more importantly, Stanley Cup Playoffs). Instead, Goodenow and Bettman refused to back down even when they were only a couple of million apart on the salary cap. News flash: the only difference between the owner's max cap and the player's max cap offer the day the season was cancelled for no reason was a couple of extra million dollars that maybe 4 or 5 teams would be able to spend in the larger markets (Detroit, New York, etc.). Instead, so Bettman can have his f---ing 'cost certainty' he tanked the season and made for damn certain that the NHL will not be relevant for decades. Hey Bettman, here's another 'cost certainty' for you, you SOB: the NHL will certainly NOT get one solitary penny out of me until you either a)resign b)are fired c)are devoured by a rampaging herd of wildebeest d)are abducted by aliens for anal probing (maybe they'll find your brain) e) the earth cracks open under your feet and you fall down into the pits of hell where the Devil himself will force you to watch college basketball, Texas hold-em poker and any show involving Stewart Scott or Chris Berman mugging for the camera on ESPN forever.

Why has the work stoppage negatively affected your interest level in purchasing NHL merchandise items in the future?

Why should I support a league that doesn't give a damn about their fans? All the league had to do is get their act together long enough to save the Stanley Cup Playoffs last year. But no, the owners and players couldn't get together enough to hammer out a cap number even when the players finally capitulated and agreed to a salary cap. The league chose money over fans, so why would you be surprised that the fans are now choosing money over the league? Again, fire the fools that caused this crisis in the first place (one down, one to go) and I might decide to pick up that hideous new Thrashers alternate jersey.
There was more, but why incriminate myself further. Feel free to take the survey yourself and add your own comments...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Beaming up One Last Time

Sad news today. James Doohan, better known to most of the world as Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott has passed away. One of my favorite characters from one of my favorite shows. You will be greatly missed.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wacky Conspiricy Theory Wednesday!

Chief Justice Rehnquist was just hospitalized.

Was he:

A: Given e-coli burgers at a Karl Rove barbeque so the Bush Administration can have two Supreme Court appointments at the same time, PLUS a Chief justice nominee so they can nominate a complete tosser for one of the posts, attracting all the lightning from the Senate, while sneaking in Alberto Gonzales and Chief Justice Scalia through the back door...

2: Sent a copy of "Venus on the Half Shell" tainted with radioactive ink by Kurt Vonnegut's publicist in an attempt to get Judge Judy (second story) appointed to his vacant post...

iii: Impregnated with an alien baby by Dr. James Dobson so when he returns to the bench defiantly for the next session, the critter will burst from his chest as he is reading the decision to not allow Alabama Judges to place Ten Commandment displays made of dynamite and plastic explosives in the offices of abortion clinics run by card carrying ACLU members to show the full power of God's wrath...

$: Hospitalized with complete exhaustion after staying at a hotel and not getting any sleep after hearing Howard Dean, Ralph Nader and Ann Coulter going at it in a threesome all night long...
Ann: Spank me harder you #$^&* TRAITOR!!!!
Ralph: I ain't doing squat until you put on your safety harness biatch!

e: Dude! the old geezer's like 120 years old...

**** HEY Kids! ****
Put YOUR answers in the comment section and be the envy of all your friends! Assuming you have any since you are online all day! Pretty big assumption, huh!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Friday, July 08, 2005

Only a few hours of work left to go.....

So waste them efficiently with Raiden X. Remember to wait till the missles change to "H" for homing before picking them up.

Oh, yeah. Josh, you need to get to work on this. That is pretty bomb ass, I must say...

But of course all gaming is Evil, so be sure to repent after playing.

***Note: if you find yourself randomly laughing hysterically for over two hours after reading the phrase 'bomb ass' in a forum thread, you may concider yourself certifiably insane. Please commit yourself to the nearest mental health facility or at least try to get a job working for Howard Dean or perhaps even the White House Press Office where your talents can finally be truly appreciated..

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Happy Belated Birthday

to the United States of America.

I woulda posted earlier, but I was busy watching the Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci-Fi channel. Which is kinda appropriate, really.

/gonna send them terrrists to tha cornfield!

Saturday, July 02, 2005


I've been trying to compose a coherent post about this for an hour, but it just makes me too angry. Can someone please tell me why sex offender lists should not exclusively consist of people convicted of sexual offenses?

The saddest thing is the idiots who actually believe all this judicial zero-tolerance crap actually works.

OMG! There's a sex offender in our neighborhood! Quick, let's move before he pisses in the bushes or streaks as a college prank or commits simple assault that could be construed under the most ridiculous circumstances as possibly maybe perhaps a precurser to a sexual crime that wasn't actually committed! I'm so glad Little Billy is visiting an upstanding member of society who works in a prestigious field with no criminal record so he is in absolutely no danger! Here comes Little Billy now! Did you have fun with $PINNACLE_OF_THE_COMMUNITY? Yeah mom! We hung around a gymnasium, and he showed me his cockpit, and we watched movies about gladiators, and he told me all about the time he spent in a Turkish Prison! I wish we could move next door so I could hang out with him ALL THE TIME!

Listen. Not all preverts look like this, or this, or even this. Most of the time they look like this and all the guilty-until-proven-innocent-then-still-probably-guilty laws in the universe will not save Little Billy. A little goddamn common sense might, however.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Happy 100th Anniversary

Moonlight Graham.

(Bull Durham's still a better movie)

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Warping Minds, One Post at a Time

Just when you think things couldn't get any more surreal .....................................
they do.

(Warning: links are of a somewhat dubious nature, unless you work for russian bikini contortionists)

I am now a fan of Tom Cruise


Just don't expect me to go see that overblown drek he's been promoting incessantly lately with his wackiness. I have to hand it to Dreamworks, why spend millions promoting the film when you can have your star lose his mind on every talk show on the air and get thousands of hours of free publicity. Just don't expect me to plop down $9.50 to see an hour and a half of Dakota Fanning crapping her pants in terror followed by the inevitable Spielberg trademark "There, There. Don't be upset, Unka Stevie will make evwything alllll better" bullshit ending. I'd rather rent Close Encounters (or better yet, borrow 'The Day The Earth Stood Still') to get my fill of Alien hijinx this holiday weekend. My cohort Josh sums it up perfectly with his Scientology rule for Sci-Fi Films. Name ONE good Sci-Fi film starring a practicing scientologist. Besides, Steve will never surpass his masterpiece (and no, I'm not being sarcastic. I really mean it.)

Of course ya gotta love how the media is attacking him like a pack of starving wolves after handling him with kid gloves for so long. It's not like he's even saying anything that's horribly out of the mainstream:
"I think drugs are over prescribed by quack psychiatrists"
"I think there is probably life on other planets"
"I really want to bang Katie Holmes"
Hell, most of America agrees with at least one of those ideas... I guess ol' Tommy boy shoulda paid his publicist better. Oh well, that's show business. HOLLYWOOOOOOOOOD!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Feeling Drafty

Ok, let's see how badly they fucked it up this time...

Hmmm... Marvin Williams. Not bad. They might have done good for once. Wait... Marvin Gaye Williams! Hey, that's pretty damn cool. A little sexual healing for the birds, eh?

Let's see, who else... Salim Stoudamire. Well hell we needed a point, that's not too ba- wha? He's a 6-1 shooting guard?? Eh, looks like he can hit the three at least, he still can't be worse than Diaw.

Ok, who else did they pick...


Cenk Akyol.


Cenk Akyol?!?


Cenk Akyol.......................


CENK AKYOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(still has to be better than Diaw)

Sometimes you don't need to write the post

Be careful when you expand eminent domain rights in your home state

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

While on the subject of time wasting

When talking of flash games, who can forget Xiao Xiao?. Stick it to the music industry by listening to some non-RIAA tainted music available at Magnatune. "They're a record label, but they're not evil". And of course, there is no better way to waste time at work than BBC Radio

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Waste some time

By wasting little stick figures. Defend Your Castle allows the inner curmudgeon in you to finally whack all those brats that keep running on your lawn. Wizards are teh kewl :)

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Jon in Tucker...


Not for calling in on the Stu and Mark Atlanta Braves Postgame show and going "Dude, am I the tenth caller?!? YEEAAA-" *dump*, but for doing it right after some old bastard called in for the 283rd time this year sucking up to Lemmer by suggesting that he should come back and play for the Braves. Because Lord knows, we need another infielder since Giles is the only hitter on the team that hasn't sucked or got hurt but the team was better back in those days before all the newfangled players with their big contracts and talent came in and back in the good ol' days we went 61-101 and we liked it dagnabbit because they were real hardnosed players and I used to watch them on TBS back when they had Andy Griffith on not this darnfangled yankee Sex up the City crap with these librul hoochies wiggling around being heathens we had I say we had good ol' Lemmer and good ol' Aunt Bee and she'd get her ass in the kitchen and bake me a PIE while Zane Smith was on the mound and damn I wish it was still the good ol' days when we were in last place and when I bought furniture I'd ask for the Wolfman and the dementia hadn't kicked in and I hadn't been stuck in this home by my ungrateful children and I'm real glad to hear you on the air Lemmer, you were always my favorite player and you should go out there one more time and win one fer the GIPPER yesiree Bob I'll hang up and listen.

You, sir, are brilliant and you have put a very large smile on this otherwise sour and jaded face of mine.

/golf claps for Jon
//even if it's not the Jon in Tucker I think it is
///has to be, I recognize that howl anywhere
////still likes Lemmer though
/////even though suckup postgame show callers are going to drive me spare

David Stern wants a Darwin Award

Dayf gave me a wonderful piece of news today. Apparently, David Stern was so envious of the NHL'S attempt at autodarwination that he's decided to try to beat them at their own game. This makes me dance for joy! I'm all for sport (nudge nudge), but the allure of the NBA just escapes me. Over the many years, I have gone to several NBA games, and each time the experience is just less and less enjoyable. As much as football and baseball are criticised for the snail's pace of game play, NBA basketball is far, far worse.
Not too long ago, I was given free tickets to see the Hawks play some team, that, unlike the Hawks, was good. This led me to several conclusions:

  • The game is divided into two halves: The first three quarters, and the last quarter

  • The purpose of the game is to 1)foul the other team as much as possible, and 2) get on Sports Center

  • Basketball is not a team sport. It's a mob sport.

  • According to the calculus of basketball, a 3-point shot with a 0.000000001% chance of making it in is better than passing to someone who has a clear shot.

It just bores me to tears to actually go to a game, to watch a game, or to even think about basketball. So I, for one, am dancing for joy that there may not be any basketball this year. If the NHL has any sense they will take advantage of this and get some market share back after their disasterous lockout. In any case, it's only a few more months until the Gwinnett Gladiators start their season.

Happy 250th strip!

To Spamusement! Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines. (I stoled that description from their website!) Read them all in one sitting for maximum effect. Of course, maximum effect = insanity, so prepare accordingly.


Say hello to my new co-blogger, Josh. Hopefully we will now post more than once every 10 days and the quality level of the writing will be better than our sceen names...

Now get posting slacker!

*cracks whip*

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


Looks like my college essays (or a reasonable facsimile) somehow made it online.

I sure hope my Regent's exam where I described my dream of having a fortified mountain compound guarded by attack squirrels doesn't get out there, I don't need the attention from the authorites...

Monday, June 06, 2005


I now know what my grandmother was yelling at my grandfather all these years, as well as the proper spelling.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

It does not emit

I figure it's about time I unbabelized my title. The plan was to change it back on my next post, but as you can see I've been less prolific than a gay monk with a vasectomy at a planned parenthood meeting. I should probably also start archiving monthly seeing as how I'm barely averaging a post a week...

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Babelfishing is of reserve!

They could be turned fullfilled for the work, that one that was turned has given the form on the hour of useless Babelfish to these converters already to destroy. The controls of Engrish are probably a special contact of purposer are always usables like.

They take to traverse, the end to take to traverse, I had known. Babelfishing a tree of the trowel of the beginning is a Gesamtcopout, but, I did not announce not anything to the devil to the interior beyond one week.

(This emfatiza of the substance I always this episode of "The water of verhungerte of the new people of the resistance")

/They government!
//I cannot think that it cannot find Travis in the SOLDIER
///No will include/understand this in any case...
////I appreciates the blowings of the fraction

Thursday, May 19, 2005

obligatory half-assed star wars post

Got my ticket, 10:30 Mansell AMC. In lieu of actual original writing, here are a bunch of random Star Wars links for you to peruse until I can write my sloppy love letter to the Sith.


Another Linky

Off topic music stuff

Clicky clicky

(Princess Leia???)

No clue, click anyway


Yeah, more

Old skool



I'll polish this post up eventually, but I must be off. Nanu, nanu, and all that rot...

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Banninate teh Internets

By signing this nifty online petition.

Be sure to read the comments of your fellow whackjobs trolls Farkers activists.

(up to 1008 at the time of this post, let's see how high it will go!)

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

ESPN banninated

They just made Jason Stark an 'Insider only' feature, so I say 'fuck you gently up the ass with a garden weasel' to

If you want to become a pay-only site, ESPN, that's perfectly fine with me. CBS and Fox do just as good a job as you and they don't squeeze their readers.

Update: 5/10/05 - I have not clicked on the aforementioned website (even through Fark links) since I originally posted and so far I have not had any body parts fall off due to the deep pain of my loss, I have not taken any psychoactive drugs harder than Diet Dew to numb the pain, I have not killed any orphans or nuns or orphaned nuns in a murderous rampage, and I have not missed any sports information that I might have cared about. Sorry, Bristol...

Monday, May 02, 2005

Christian Faith v. Capitalism

Guess who wins.

In semi-related news we get this shit again.

Friday, April 29, 2005

More of teh funney has comedy radio featuring Mitch Hedburg, Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce and Triumph the insult comic dog.

I'd write more, but I have tickets to the 10:10pm showing of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Just listen, you'll like.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

YOU need to be reading

Lulu Eightball.

Don't believe me?

Click here.

Told ya so.

Now read it.

ALL of it.

(check out Emily's website too)

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Right click - Save link as...

For all you out there who like downloading music, yet ph33r the RIAA and their ravenous band o' lawyers, Amazon is here for you.

Heck, you have a whole CD's worth of Rancid right here.

Speaking of Rancid, does anyone else think of former Yankee Luis Sojo when they hear Ruby Soho? Or is it just me...

/Loooie Loooie Luis Luis So-joooo....

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Sin City Kicks Your Ass

Now that we are over the rash of deaths in the news, I figured it was high time I talked about this cinematic rash of deaths.

This movie is fucking BRUTAL. I mean that in a good way. I mean that in a Pulp Fiction calls up The Killer and they decide to go meet their droog Clockwork Orange at the milk bar so they could all get ripped to the bejeezus belt and go out and kick the shit out of Beaches kind of way. I mean that in a remake of Double Indemnity starring Rorschach in Fred MacMurray's role where he goes nuts and snatches off Phyllis' ankle bracelet, leg and all, and beats her husband to death with the bloody stump kind of way. I mean that in a bizzaro Maltese Falcon where Sam Spade is all hopped up on crystal meth and Balco roids, Effie and Eva are lesbian Dominatrixes with more firepower than North and South Korea combined, and the three go out and pump 500 rounds unto Wilbur before shoving a grenade down his throat, slice off Joel Cairo's arms and legs and feed him to a rabid wolverine when he eats Effie's liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti, Sam rips out the Fat Man's entire digestive system with his bare hands before pounding his face into a puddle of goo before finally shoving the Black Bird so far up Brigid's ass it pecks her brain when she sneezes kind of way. This movie is just DAMN.

Mickey Roarke as Marv is just bad-ass. They could make a whole movie series about Kevin and I'd be happy. Clive Owen is surprisingly effective as a noble thug surrounded by women with the worst case of PMS ever. Concidering how goofy Benicio Del Toro's role is, he pulls it off brilliantly. ALL the female characters are just scary hot. And it's a proven fact that any movie where Bruce Willis gets the complete shit kicked out of him is just an awesome movie. Oh yeah, Marv is just bad-ass.

Of course I like this kind of thing. It's very stylized cartoony violence, and the reviewers aren't kidding when they say it looks like the pages of the comic book just started moving up on a screen. This shit is dead on, see for yourself. The CG is not at all distracting (hello Sky Captain...) mainly because it's so freaking stylized. It's not supposed to look like real life, stupid, it's trying to express a mood, a tone. The German Expressionists are looking at this film from the afterlife and are desperately trying to book a reincarnation. Rodriguez and Miller really knocked this out of the park, and even though I doubt it will end up a smash hit and pull in 100 million, it's going to have serious legs and will make a mint off the DVD especially if they go the director's unrated cut route. Mainstream? Hell naw. This film is not mainstream.

This movie is not for everyone.

But if this movie is for you... oh yeah. This movie is for you.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

RIP Pope

Karol Wojtyla 1920-2005

You will be greatly missed.

Send Mitch some hockey love for me.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Blogging about blogs is teh lame

But I'm gonna do it anyway because it's about nifty comic blogs.

Don Simpson of Megaton Man fame gots a blog, so does Tom Tomorrow.

Quite a few webcomic artists tack a blog onto their strips, like T Campbell, Brian Clevinger, Ian McDonald, Carson Fire, and Howard Tayler (more of a running commentary than a blog, but still cool). Hell, Bob the Angry Flower comics are posted right in the blog in super bloggy goodness!

There's even some non-web dead tree type comic artists breaking in and peddling their wares by way of their blog. They look pretty damned interesting too, for example here's Plastic Farm which as far as I can tell looks kinda like Bob Burden meets David Lynch (holy shit! I am the Elephant man!). Even more intriguing is Pan-Gea as it looks very much like the bastard love child of Vaughn Bode and Sergio Argones (and I mean that as a high compliment, see for yourself).

Of course no matter how many artists put up blogs, there will always be in an infinite number of blogs about comics by plain ol' ordinary slobs like us. There's even a blog that lists updated comic blogs. But after reading all those blogs who has time time to read the comics? Screw this blogging crap, I have issues of Top 10 that need my attention...

Remember kids, this is what happens when you Google for 'David Lynch'...

you are: elephant man

Which David Lynch movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Sumpin' for ya ta listen to

Fiona Apple.

That'll teach Sony not to withhold an album so they can more effectively promote it with an ingenious viral marketing scheme.

And don't bitch at me 'cause I haven't posted George's NCAA final four picks yet. Quite frankly, I haven't watched a single game and I don't really give a shit anymore. I'll have 'em up before the real final four probably.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Brackets part IV

Finally, here's the Austin regional, thanks to our good friend George. Yeah, I know I'm posting this the day after the whole shebang started, and there is very likely several wrong picks already (even the father of our country (or the dirty rotten traitor, for all you UK readers) is human and can make some mistakes occasionally) but the NCAA should have known better than to start this thing on St. Patrick's Day. Dammit, there was a whole lot of green watery approximations of beer waiting for me that wasn't gonna drink itself!

With no further ado, The Austin Regional.

1st round:
Duke over Delaware St.
Mississippi St. over Stanford
Michigan St. over Old Dominion
Syracuse over Vermont
Utah over UTEP
Oklahoma over Niagra
Cincinnati over Iowa
Kentucky over E. Kentucky

2nd Round:

Duke over Mississippi St.
Syracuse over Michigan St.
Utah over Oklahoma
Cincinnati over Kentucky

Sweet Sixteen:
Syracuse over Duke (Duke sucks)
Cincinnati over Utah

Elite Eight:
Cincinnati over Syracuse

Chicago Regional Champion - Cincinnati

Well, there we have our Final Four: Illinois, Wake Forest, NC State and Cincinnati. If you think flipping a coin to fill out your brackets is an idiotic waste of time, always remember it could be worse. (bypass AJC registration fascism using BugMeNot or check the comments for a login)

Check back some time in the not-too-distant future for the final four picks.

Finally, Mad Props to reader Josh for providing the Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead-like coin flips for this round, and to reader TRES CEE for his/her/its insightful commentary on the Chicago regional.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Brackets part five (three, sir!)

Here's the Chicago regional picks courtesy of my friend George for all you inveterate gamblers. And quit whining that I didn't post these until after the games started, even if you had taken Washington's advice you still wouldn't win your office pool.

1st round:
Illinois over Fairleigh Dickinson
Texas over Nevada
Wisconsin-Milwaukee over Alabama
Boston College over Penn
LSU over UAB
Arizona over Utah State
St. Mary's over S. Illinois
SE Louisiana over Oklahoma St.

2nd Round:

Illinois over Texas
Boston College over Wisconsin-Milwaukee
LSU over Arizona
St. Mary's over SE Louisiana

Sweet Sixteen:
Illinois over Boston College
St. Mary's over LSU

Elite Eight:
Illinois over St. Mary's

Albuquerque Regional Champion - Illinois

George takes the safe route here in the Chicago regional as Illinois plays St. Mary's on the mouse organ in the regional finals.

In completely unrelated news, I remember having one of these (Schlitz, i think) when I was a kid. Could you imagine the shitstorm that would erupt if you put mini beer can jewelry in kiddie vending machines today?

In mostly unrelated news, I found this while looking for a mouse organ link to put above. Anybody got a color laser printer and some card stock???

Up next (eventually) is the Austin region.

Brackets continued

Ok, here's the Albuquerque portion of the bracket, courtesy of good ol' George.

1st round:
Montana over Washington
Pittsburgh over Pacific
George Washington over Georgia Tech
Louisville over Louisiana-Lafayette
Texas Tech over UCLA
Gonzaga over Winthrop
Creighton over West Virginia
Wake Forest over Chattanooga

2nd Round:

Pittsburgh over Montana
George Washington over Louisville
Texas Tech over Gonzaga
Wake Forest over Creighton

Sweet Sixteen:
George Washington over Pittsburgh
Wake Forest over Texas Tech

Elite Eight:
Wake Forest over George Washington

Albuquerque Regional Champion - Wake Forest

Methinks some shenanigans was going on here with George. Of course while his namesake went to the elite 8, the state named after him got bounced by a 16 seed so who am I to impugn the honor of our first president.

Up next... the Chicago regional.

Bracket filling time

Ok, I said I'd give ya my picks so I'll give ya my picks. The only catch is that since I haven't given a damn about college basketball since the mid nineties, I instead make my picks with a little help from George.

Here's the deal, all winners are picked by flipping a quarter (this year it's a 2001 New York quarter, Philadelphia mint) higher seed heads, underdog tails. The only rule is in the first round, seeds 13-16 have to win two flips to advance. After the first round it's one flip for everybody, if Fairleigh Dickinson manages to knock off Illinois with two flips, they have the same shot as everyone else.

Why do this, you may ask. This is pointless and stupid, you may say. I used to do it for a laugh, to see if my random picks would beat my 'official' (read - tourney pool picks) picks. In 1995, I picked Arizona to win it all, got massively ragged by my buddies for picking a Pac-10 team and watched them get bounced in the first round. Fast forward to 1997. I filled out my bracket, paid my tourney fee, and flipped a bracket for shits and giggles. All four of my heavily researched final four teams were bounced, while my flipped bracket had Virginia and (eventual champs) Arizona in the finals. No matter that George picked the Cavs to cut down the nets, a random flip of the coin beat the bracket that I sweated over for a week. Since then, spite and apathy have eroded my desire to fill out any more brackets, but I still did that flippy thing for a laugh. And NOW with the magic of teh Intarweb, I can share my pointless waste of time with the WORLD! Bwahahahahhaaaaa!

So, without further ado, Here's my Chicago Regional:

1st round:
North Carolina over Oakland
Iowa State over Minnesota
Villanova over New Mexico
Florida over Ohio
N. Iowa over Wisconsin
Kansas over Bucknell
NC State over Charlotte
UConn over Central Florida

2nd Round:

North Carolina over Iowa State
Florida over Villanova
N. Iowa over Kansas
NC State over UConn

Sweet Sixteen:
North Carolina over Florida
NC State over N. Iowa

Elite Eight:
NC State over North Carolina

Chicago Regional Champion - NC State

I'll post the the other regions as the day goes on. Don't worry, the bracket is already filled so don't fret about whether George is cheating or not. Besides, he could never tell a lie...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


No, not them. March Madness. You know, when the marketing machines rev up to get you interested in a sport you don't give a shit about the other 11 months of the year. But no matter, the gambling bug always hits this time of year and it's time to fill out your bracket.

Speaking of madness, here's another bracket you can fill out. Sadly, you have 3 and a half years before you can see how well you did. If that's too depressing, try this field of 64.

Don't worry, you'll have my picks before Thursday....


Or not. Up to you really. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?

Saturday, March 12, 2005


Looks Like WB's doing this this extreme makeover thing right for once! Oops, maybe not.

On topic, but don't click.

I'm serious, don't click on those links up there.

Dude, don't cli- aw snap, I sure hope you're not at work...

Monday, March 07, 2005

Three things that make me laugh

MetaFilter has a FPP on R. Crumb, but there ain't no way in hell I'm clicking on it at work.

Complete Digital Archive of Dr. Demento? They're coming to take me away, ha haaaa.... (warning: every nerdy geek in the country is trying to access this site all at the same time, if at first you don't succeed, click, click again)

And finally, this just cracks me up.

If you want to get any work done before August, don't read this

If you spend any time on the internet at all, you have probably seen Nanaca-Crash. This bastard love child of Pingu and Hentai (it's actually based on a 'mature' Playstation 2 game) is slightly more addicting than smoking crack in an Orgasmatron.

Sadly, since the game is in Japanese, most people playing have used the randomly click like a maniac strategy since they have no frickin' clue what the hell is going on. Well curse that Stop Girl bitch no more, 'cause now we have some instructions!

Still no clue what the hell any of this means, but hey, that's pretty normal for anime.

Saturday, March 05, 2005


Lookit me, after posting once in 2 weeks I throw up a bunch o' crap to try to make up for it.
Well, this crap is good crap for all you comic fans.

The Complete Calvin & Hobbes archive. As much as I like dogging on Bill Watterson on principle, this is pretty damn cool. Spider now, buy the book later.

Obscure Alan Moore comics! Anything Alan Moore is cool (check out the Bojeffries Saga if you can find it) and the BBC has graciously offered up this little gem and more.

I want this book but I'm too lazy to go out and buy it. Perhaps I need some Motivation.

The best 'Click here to claim you are over 18 so I can cover my ass and not get sued by your uptight bitch mom you 12 year old perv' link ever.

And if all that is not enough for you, knock yourself out. I'd normally have a quiz on all this tomorrow, but what the hell, I'll cut ya some slack.


Here's some beautiful music for all you headbangers out there.

If that's not enough for you, here's enough Tom Waits to kill a herd of wildebeest.

Watch your language, you dirty bastard

Considering the title of this blog, I would be remiss to pass up a reference to this.

At least someone's still looking out for us pathetic people.

Tech Support

If you didn't know, I'm a lowly tech support flunky. I deal mostly with people who would rather get their nuts caught in a fan belt than deal with a computer. Most of my clients seem to be taking advice from these people to keep their system running A-OK. I don't really worry about it though, no matter how bad things get I always have one last trick up my sleeve.

Best. Fark. Photoshop.


Thursday, February 24, 2005


Natalie Portman is going to be in V for Vendetta.

It'll be that much harder for the Wachowskis to screw it up with Natalie in there.

But just in case. Read the damn book already.

You shall not be disappointed.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Goddamnit Darby

LOCKOUT. It's a fucking lockout already.

Schroedinger's Season

Hey, NHL.

Shit or get off the pot.

Oh yeah, and all you idiots out there (you who you are (actually you don't, that's why you're idiots (aargh! nested parentheses!))), quit blaming the players for this mess. It's a LOCKOUT. As in, the owners lock the doors and the players stand outside in the cold. Now, when an impasse is eventually declared, the owners unilaterally roll back salaries to 1954 levels and the players go on strike, then feel free to blame the greedy greedy players all you want. As much as I (heart) Jon Stewart, he seriously pissed me off when he called this flustercluck a strike the other night on the Daily Show.

Dammit Jon, I expect my fake news to be accurate.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Barf, part deux

Flu bad.

You watch Homestar Runner toons now.

Yes, ALL of them. I'm that sick. seriously, watch em. It'll be a while before I post again.

Oh by the way, wtf...

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Of interest to absolutely no one but me

A bunch of downloads for Statis Pro Baseball.

Although this is something my wife could appreciate...

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Thank God for Arthur Blank

The Arizona Cardinals had a press conference today, announcing that after having the same weak ass logo for the past 35 years, they were going to update it to a revolutionary new logo that would symbolize the new fierceness and energy of their (awful) franchise. This is what they came up with:

See? The old 'Mildly perturbed, yet stoic' Cardinal has been reinvented as Angry Cardinal! That's a birdish scowl if'n I ever saw one. I'm not sure why an NFL franchise would want an image that resembles Woody Woodpecker catching his girlfriend in bed with Heckle and Jeckle to represent their team, but hey, it's the Cardinals. Seriously though, why a press conference for that? That's not an earth shattering change, that's a minor tweak. Of course it does look a little better than Todd McFarlane's stab at it, although the 'Dear God, not this shit again' look actually does symbolize that franchise quite nicely.

It really would have been more interesting to just sneak the logo out there next year and see how many games it takes for anyone to catch on. "Hey! Someone pissed off the birdy!" Of course that won't sell more t-shirts.

At least Cardinals eat Eagles. Falcons too.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

More Drek

Yesterday's 'throw a bunch of shit against the wall and call it art' post went over so well, I'm doing it again. In short, here's the contents of my browser tabs in easy to digest blog format:

The Onion on the upcoming wardrobe malfunction anniversary - it's funny 'cause it's true.

Matt Groening did a Mac ad - no Homer to be seen, however...

Rorschach inkblot tests! Hmmmm.... two men being thrown off bucking giraffes into a giant flaming representation of PIL's 'That What Is Not' cover. Hrm.

Charles Fort, inspiration for the Fortean Times, is a must read for all the Art Bell buffs out there. I wonder if he was into ghosts as well.

Milky Wimpshake - I have no idea what the fuck this is, but it's got MP3's.

Arcade Ambience - because we miss the 80's, dammit. Official Soundtrack to Lucky Wander Boy. <--if anyone wants to read this, put a request in the comments and I'll let you borrow it.

Finally, A bunch of stuff from Metafilter that I don't have time to look at now.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005


I've been sick as a dog all month and I just haven't had any desire recently to spew bile all over this blog since I'm doing a great job of spewing bile all over my walls instead. ( and the carpet and the ceiling fan and the cat and the mailman etc.)

Just so I update this crap with something, here's a bunch of links I found recently that interest me but I haven't really had the time to look at yet.

House of Stairs - semi-surrealist/absurdist/dada/whatever web comic. Flaming carrot it is not, but it's quite entertaining when overdosed on cough syrup.

ZZT - three beautiful words. Rogue like game. Me likey Rogue like games. Here's some more games, roguelike or otherwise.

Harrison Bergeron - just read it. it won't take long, unless you have one of those mental handicap radios in your ear... bzzzzt

The 50 Most Loathsome people in America, 2004 edition. How Gary Bettman missed this list, I'll never know.

There's a virulent meme running about the net in the form of a video that shows a cheerleader being thrown up through a basketball goal and back down again. I won't link to the video, mainly because every other site on the web has already done so, but I will happily link to the official Cheerleader Toss Flash Game.

Bud Plant Illustrated books - no, not that bud plant....

The Beastles - Beastie Boys get mashed up with the Beatles. To be honest, dj BC's mashup of Beasties and Kraftwerk is better.

Tech Support - Welcome to my world!!!!11

The Revenge of the Sith Topps Trading Card Checklist - so much for avoiding spoilers.

Beautiful, beautiful Camper Van...

And finally, the Best Movie Review Evar. Sadly it is applicable to about 80% of all films nowadays.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Optimism is on the March

A majority of Americans feel hopeful about Bush's second term, especially now that we are seeing the kinder, gentler W.

What what whaaaaaaat??? We might be attacking Iran now? Well it could be worse, just ask a war nerd. Better yet, find something truly important to fret over.

(by the way, Titan is made out of creme brulee. Yum!)

Friday, January 14, 2005

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Woohoo! A wreck!

And I'm not talking about Iraq, I'm talking about an ice sheet the size of Manhattan about to ram into a glacier in Antarctica.

Oh noes!!!1 Who can save us?

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

More Hitchhiker Schtuff

Ain't It Cool is holding a contest that will award a set of Vogon Office Supplies (serial number 42 of course) for the lucky/sick reader that submits the best/most soul-crushingly horrific example of Vogon Poetry.

Now, now... No Cheating...

Monday, January 10, 2005

Happy Dayf in nerdvana

There's a bunch of films I want to see this year, Sin City, A Scanner Darkly, King Kong... Not to mention the obvious ones...

But these are all afterthoughts to the movie I really REALLY REALLY want to see now, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

When I heard that they were (finally) doing a film version of Hitchhikers I didn't think much of it, because I felt confident that Hollywood would do a wonderful job of fucking it up.

Well since then I've heard the news, seen the design and looked over the cast and hey, it looked like I could actually be pretty good. Then I found out who would be the Voice for Marvin the Paranoid Android.

Best. Movie. Of. 2005.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

The angriest dayf in the world

Good lord, I'm pissed off today. I mean serious fucking grade-A pissed. Angry, even. No particular reason, just... aargh.

Here's some useless shit to distract you from the fog of opressive ennui darkening every corner of existance. Oh crap. I sound like some whiny emo pussy now. That makes me really angry. grrr.

Forget about that whole 'faith in humanity' thing

The old idjit hasn't even been inaugurated yet and we already got rival imbicles jockeying for his job.

Maybe he can get the author of this legislative abortion for a running mate since this guy's got too much on his plate right now.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

My faith in Humanity is temporarily restored.

Even the most cynical gripe ass has to admit that there was a rare convergence of heartwarming new stories today, including...

Ashlee Simpson getting her no-talent ass booed at the Orange Bowl last night.

Jon Stewart 1: Tucker Carlson 0.

John Linder gets the shaft. (ya damn right)

Red States get the Wrath O' God (tm) this week.

And finally, Palestinians tell Richard Gere to go pound sand with one of the most beautiful quotes of the year:

"We don't need the Americans' intervention. We know who to elect. Not like them -- they elected a moron."
Nothing can get me down now! oh fark not again....


Never mind that, just go look at some kitties.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Sad Day for Comic Lovers...

We lost The great Will Eisner and Frank Kelly Freas in the past couple of days. Freas was well known for his sci-fi art and some awesome classic Mad magazine work, while Eisner has a frickin' Award named after him. Oh yeah, Eisner is also pretty much the father of the graphic novel.

RIP, fellas. Let's hope we avoid the trifecta.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Laura is a Headbanger

Ooo-whee, do it one more time for me!

No, really, it's a faith based initiative!

Saturday, January 01, 2005


Finally, something in Iraq goes right for a change.

Oh noes!!1 More Xmas music!!! <--(site mildly nsfw)

happy fucking new fucking year fuck fuckety fuck fuck fuck

Let's all down a bottle of cut-rate gin/sterno to the sincere hope that 2005 sucks even the tiniest bit less than goddamn 2004.

(glug glug glug)

Aaaah, don' give me that look, even Dave Barry agrees that last year was a total fucking disaster and he's a wacky syndicated columnist that usually writes lame ass articles about toilets.

(glug glug glug)

sho, less all slatute, saloot, sel- toasht the new year by flushing the giant steaming log of 2004 right down...



(flush flush flush)




(glug glug glug)