Saturday, July 30, 2005

Hockey Tough Love

If you weren't aware, (not many are) the NHL got their act together and finally hammered out a Collective Bargaining Agreement to finally end the lockout after last season got flushed down the toilet by greedy corporate asshats.

Since the league is back in business, they now have to figure out how to lure back all the fans that they drove off last year squabbling over money. Now that the corporate sponsors have bailed and the TV contract has vanished so ESPN can air more important things, the fans are pretty much the only revenue source left. So in the interests of cost certainty, the league is certain to pull out all the stops to try to get the fans back. The last league to fark up this badly managed to get the fans back with some longballs and juiced up scoring. Since juicing up the players is not really an option anymore, the NHL is instituting some new rules to try to up the scoring, including: eliminating the red line to increase the number of home-run breakaway passes, shrinking the increasingly ridiculous goalie equipment, reinstating the tag up rule for offsides, discouraging icing and finally enforcing the interference rules (I'll believe it when I see it) to open up the ice for the skilled skaters. Add to this the draft lottery that gave the Penguins Mario Jr. or Gretkzy II (or Baby Lindros if Pittsburgh's recent luck holds), today's entry draft and the upcoming free-for-all free agent period this offseason and you have some interesting things to look forward to.

Still, the powers that be are interested to gauge just how much money they stand to lose from last winter's foolishness and have contracted a survey to find out the gory details. I took the survey, and thought my faithful readers might be interested in a couple of my answers.

Why do you say that your overall interest level in the NHL has decreased significantly since the beginning of the NHL work stoppage?

My interest has decreased in the NHL because there was absolutely no reason for the season to be cancelled. The Owners and Union had actually agreed on a cap (supposedly the big sticking point) before the drop-dead date, and all the two sides had to do was split the difference at the end, and voila, we have a season (and more importantly, Stanley Cup Playoffs). Instead, Goodenow and Bettman refused to back down even when they were only a couple of million apart on the salary cap. News flash: the only difference between the owner's max cap and the player's max cap offer the day the season was cancelled for no reason was a couple of extra million dollars that maybe 4 or 5 teams would be able to spend in the larger markets (Detroit, New York, etc.). Instead, so Bettman can have his f---ing 'cost certainty' he tanked the season and made for damn certain that the NHL will not be relevant for decades. Hey Bettman, here's another 'cost certainty' for you, you SOB: the NHL will certainly NOT get one solitary penny out of me until you either a)resign b)are fired c)are devoured by a rampaging herd of wildebeest d)are abducted by aliens for anal probing (maybe they'll find your brain) e) the earth cracks open under your feet and you fall down into the pits of hell where the Devil himself will force you to watch college basketball, Texas hold-em poker and any show involving Stewart Scott or Chris Berman mugging for the camera on ESPN forever.

Why has the work stoppage negatively affected your interest level in purchasing NHL merchandise items in the future?

Why should I support a league that doesn't give a damn about their fans? All the league had to do is get their act together long enough to save the Stanley Cup Playoffs last year. But no, the owners and players couldn't get together enough to hammer out a cap number even when the players finally capitulated and agreed to a salary cap. The league chose money over fans, so why would you be surprised that the fans are now choosing money over the league? Again, fire the fools that caused this crisis in the first place (one down, one to go) and I might decide to pick up that hideous new Thrashers alternate jersey.
There was more, but why incriminate myself further. Feel free to take the survey yourself and add your own comments...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Beaming up One Last Time

Sad news today. James Doohan, better known to most of the world as Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott has passed away. One of my favorite characters from one of my favorite shows. You will be greatly missed.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wacky Conspiricy Theory Wednesday!

Chief Justice Rehnquist was just hospitalized.

Was he:

A: Given e-coli burgers at a Karl Rove barbeque so the Bush Administration can have two Supreme Court appointments at the same time, PLUS a Chief justice nominee so they can nominate a complete tosser for one of the posts, attracting all the lightning from the Senate, while sneaking in Alberto Gonzales and Chief Justice Scalia through the back door...

2: Sent a copy of "Venus on the Half Shell" tainted with radioactive ink by Kurt Vonnegut's publicist in an attempt to get Judge Judy (second story) appointed to his vacant post...

iii: Impregnated with an alien baby by Dr. James Dobson so when he returns to the bench defiantly for the next session, the critter will burst from his chest as he is reading the decision to not allow Alabama Judges to place Ten Commandment displays made of dynamite and plastic explosives in the offices of abortion clinics run by card carrying ACLU members to show the full power of God's wrath...

$: Hospitalized with complete exhaustion after staying at a hotel and not getting any sleep after hearing Howard Dean, Ralph Nader and Ann Coulter going at it in a threesome all night long...
Ann: Spank me harder you #$^&* TRAITOR!!!!
Ralph: I ain't doing squat until you put on your safety harness biatch!

e: Dude! the old geezer's like 120 years old...

**** HEY Kids! ****
Put YOUR answers in the comment section and be the envy of all your friends! Assuming you have any since you are online all day! Pretty big assumption, huh!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Friday, July 08, 2005

Only a few hours of work left to go.....

So waste them efficiently with Raiden X. Remember to wait till the missles change to "H" for homing before picking them up.

Oh, yeah. Josh, you need to get to work on this. That is pretty bomb ass, I must say...

But of course all gaming is Evil, so be sure to repent after playing.

***Note: if you find yourself randomly laughing hysterically for over two hours after reading the phrase 'bomb ass' in a forum thread, you may concider yourself certifiably insane. Please commit yourself to the nearest mental health facility or at least try to get a job working for Howard Dean or perhaps even the White House Press Office where your talents can finally be truly appreciated..

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Happy Belated Birthday

to the United States of America.

I woulda posted earlier, but I was busy watching the Twilight Zone marathon on the Sci-Fi channel. Which is kinda appropriate, really.

/gonna send them terrrists to tha cornfield!

Saturday, July 02, 2005


I've been trying to compose a coherent post about this for an hour, but it just makes me too angry. Can someone please tell me why sex offender lists should not exclusively consist of people convicted of sexual offenses?

The saddest thing is the idiots who actually believe all this judicial zero-tolerance crap actually works.

OMG! There's a sex offender in our neighborhood! Quick, let's move before he pisses in the bushes or streaks as a college prank or commits simple assault that could be construed under the most ridiculous circumstances as possibly maybe perhaps a precurser to a sexual crime that wasn't actually committed! I'm so glad Little Billy is visiting an upstanding member of society who works in a prestigious field with no criminal record so he is in absolutely no danger! Here comes Little Billy now! Did you have fun with $PINNACLE_OF_THE_COMMUNITY? Yeah mom! We hung around a gymnasium, and he showed me his cockpit, and we watched movies about gladiators, and he told me all about the time he spent in a Turkish Prison! I wish we could move next door so I could hang out with him ALL THE TIME!

Listen. Not all preverts look like this, or this, or even this. Most of the time they look like this and all the guilty-until-proven-innocent-then-still-probably-guilty laws in the universe will not save Little Billy. A little goddamn common sense might, however.