Thursday, November 11, 2004

Finally a post that isn't just an exercise in moderately humorous ironic linkage

This just in: Bill Frist urges the Democrats to stop filibustering.

"One way or another, the filibuster of judicial nominees must end," Frist, R-Tenn., said in a speech to the Federalist Society, a conservative legal group.


Frist said filibustering judicial nominees is "radical. It is dangerous and it must be overcome. The Senate must be allowed to confirm judges who fairly, justly and independently interpret the law."

"The Senate cannot allow the filibuster of circuit court nominees to continue." Frist said. "Nor can we allow the filibuster to extend to potential Supreme Court nominees."

In other news, Coke asked Pepsi to kindly stop producing sweet cola-based soda products, cobras helpfully advised the mongoose population that a vegetarian diet would be healthier in the long run, and Satan thoughtfully suggested that God take a nice vacation in the Bahamas to relax and get His mind off things and that he would watch the shop for Him in the interim.

Memo to Bill Frist: YOU ARE THE FRICKIN' RULING PARTY. You have the White House, BOTH houses of Congress, most of the Courts, and the supposed media watchdog is more like a lapdog lately. QUIT WHINING THAT THE DEMOCRATS ARE BEING MEAN TO YOU. You see, sir, a filibuster is one of those quaint little quirks of American Government called 'checks and balances'. This means that there are certain safeguards in place, that prevent one branch of government, or one party in a branch of government from steamrolling all over the other branches and parties. Ya know what? I agree. It's annoying when every single court appointee gets blocked. It's not nice when your appointees get excoriated in long drawn out confirmation hearings like Robert Bork or Clarence Thomas. My high school AP Government teacher Dr. Smith ( no, not THAT one) once said in class that I looked like Robert Bork. I know how hurtful that is. But here's a suggestion for ya... Maybe, just maybe you should try nominating a justice THAT ISN'T A COMPLETE RIGHT WING BIBLE THUMPING MAKES BOB JONES LOOK LIKE NOAM CHOMSKY ACTIVIST NUTJOB. Maybe... just maaaybe, if you I dunno... COMPROMISE and nominate a judge that will do their friggin JOB and interpret the law in relation to the CONSTITUTION and is not appointed to specifically ban Roe v. Wade or make sure that there's none of that gay buttsex going on while good God-fearin' Americans are going to church and buying guns, and hell, just MAYBE you might be able to get one of these nominations through without a senate catfight!

Now lets go back to that word compromise. Let's say it together. Com. Pro. Mise. Very good! That means two opposing parties working together to reach a solution that is acceptable to both parties. You remember the founding fathers? You know, American revolution and constitutional conventions and such? They were all great buddies, right? WRONG. They all f*cking hated each other with the blazing fury of a thousand suns. Everybody hated Adams who hated Franklin who hated Jay who hated Jefferson who hated Hamilton who hated Burr who hated everybody while Washington tried to stay above the whole stinking mess. The constitutional convention was a giant mess of dissenting ideas and opinions but they somehow manged to work together and cobble together a document that has worked pretty good so far. (crosses fingers as PATRIOT 3 or 4 or whatever version it's on gets pushed through)

Now as for the idea of eliminating the filibuster altogether. That's a damn fine idea, assuming you are confident in holding the senate FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. Because I guarantee you, if the Democrats by some fluke of fate manage to take back the Senate in a few years you will be VERY HAPPY that fillibustering is still around. Because, God forbid, if Jesus goes on holiday and forgets to tell everyone who to vote for or if the midwest just goes GAY all of a sudden and the Democrats take over and you don't have a filibuster to block THEIR nominees you can bet your sweet firm chewable ass (good Lord! is the red state gayness wave starting in Georgia???) that they will be nominating every left wing gay marrying abortion forcing welfare giving gun restricting Osama policing corporate tax givaway halting justice this side of Taxachusetts to the Supreme court ESPECIALLY if you succeeded in stacking the court with creationists and YOU sir will be powerless to stop the heathenization of our great land and that wouldn't be very nice would it??? Now of course, if you ARE confident in holding the senate for eternity, or have plans in the works to abolish parties and elections altogether, kindly let me know so I can change the name of this blog to "I love George W. Bush, our wonderful leader" (and 'we love our shrub' is NOT ironic, dammit, we mean it, man) because quite frankly I'm not all that interested in sipping victory gin at the Chestnut Tree Cafe whilst twitching from crimestop because The Daily Show is on the telly.

Ya got all that, Billy boy? Ya do??? Well kindly tell me what it means, cause I sure as hell don't know.

1 comment:

Josh said...

And all this time I thought "We love our shrub" was a masturbatory comment. Highly articulate outburst, there Dayf.